“Would you like to wait?”
Yes, I think I will wait for the pills that stop me from planning to kill myself. I haven’t taken two doses because I ran out, and now I’m teetering on the edge of despair, uncertain if one final minute will push me over the edge.
“I’ll come back in 5 minutes” is what I say.
It’s been tough. I look back at the last relationship, and I know I was doing the best to keeping us together. But learning everything I have since then, fuck, maybe I was unintentionally the problem. Hey guys, it turns out I AM the issue! Maybe when I was trying to get her to talk to me, to open up and show me her emotions, from her side, it seemed like I was becoming this terrible rage monster that she was always worried I would become. Like she spent her entire life scared of guys, and then in this relationship, she’s just worried that I’m going to flip out, and then I do emotionally flip out but I take her back and everything I do, she’s just waiting for me to turn on her and become this psychotic beast, like you see on the news or hear about all the time. “Great”, her subconscious is thinking ‘he’s going to end up stalking me and I’ll have to get a restraining order. She doesn’t know that I would extricate myself before the rage started to boil, that I actually had to remove myself from the relationship when I felt the frustration, the lack of communication. I could never become that person. I almost became that person in my first serious relationship, and I would rather remove myself from this world than to edge anywhere near that ever again.
I don’t wish her harm. I wouldn’t harm her. I would rather harm myself.