I miss being intimate with someone.

No, this isn’t about fucking. It’s not about the sex.

It’s about that moment when the two of you are connected, that intense desire between the two of you. I miss seeing that look of desire on another person’s face, seeing them in pleasure and knowing that it’s because of me.

I miss laying in bed naked and just chatting. Doing nothing all day.

Have I ever really known anyone? Have I ever really known the girls that I’ve dated? Have they ever really cared for me? Their actions would speak to the negative.

It’s funny to think that near the end of a relationship, you’re trying so desperately to hold on, to see if you can fix it, to try and make things work. And then after the relationship all you can remember are the good times, and you have to actively remind yourself that that person wasn’t right for you.

It becomes more difficult when you look at your life stretching out in front of you, and as you get older and you realise the chances of finding someone who hasn’t already been married or have kids or lived any entire life before you becomes closer to impossible. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a step father, or a second husband. I want my first life before I have to live someone’s second life. I guess that chance kind of ended when I turned 30. They say that a woman will already have met the man that she’s going to marry by the time she’s 30. I still held out hope, because my last girlfriend was a few years younger than me. Maybe this was it, this was the one.  I mean, it wasn’t just that old wives tale statistic that kept us together. It was the connection, the moments in between talking, the moments where talking wasn’t required.

And then we broke up just before her 30th birthday. Maybe she met someone at her 30th birthday party and the statistic still holds true.

I miss being with someone, having someone to have your back and having theirs in return, someone to talk through your issues, someone you can message the second something fun or exciting or terrible or anxious happens. But then I suppose missing that so much means I’m not in an emotional state to get into a relationship yet.

Sometimes I don’t know why I bother anymore.