This article brought to you by Barnaby Joyce’s stupid interview with his happy new family.


A subject I obviously feel very strongly about:



Would you ever get back with your ex’s?

What a stupid question. Brain, why would you even think that? Oh, because you’re programmed to make me think the worst and only consider hypothetical situations in a never ending desire to try and figure out life?

It’s a stupid question because it would require one of my ex’s to miss me. To seek me out. To try and find the person that they dated.

Sorry, no-one’s home anymore.

We’ve established that my ex’s hate me. We’ve established that things didn’t end well. Maybe they’re right to hate me. I consider myself a garbage person, so maybe they’re right.

Maybe I deserved to be cheated on all those times, anyway.

Maybe it was me.

Would it have been easier if, instead of cheating and stringing me along, they had have got up the courage to tell me how they really felt, to tell me, hey, it’s actually not me, it’s you, and I’m leaving you to fuck around as much as I want. Would that have been easier? To be told that I’m actually a terrible boyfriend, like I suspect. That I’m not marriage material, because that would involve being a decent person in the first place, and probably not a waste of space?

There’s no preferable way. The preferable way would be to feel absolutely nothing. That would make you a psychopath. Instead of feeling all of the feelings all at once, on repeat like a broken record. That makes you an anxious depressive.

Fine, let’s get over the fact that they hate me.

Would I get back with any of my ex’s? That’s like me trying to decide that my next girlfriend will be a Japanese girl. It’s really not up to me.

My first girlfriend from high school – I have changed so much in the ensuing years, and I sure she would have too.

First cheating girlfriend – Apparently he has a husband and a kid. That would make her a cheater. Nothing would be a bigger turn off. No.

Hippy girlfriend – I broke up with her because it wasn’t working out. Instead of, you know, just sleeping with whoever I wanted to and breaking her trust. She didn’t do that, I’m just saying. No.

My last cheating girlfriend – fuck, why would I put myself through that? Even if you get past the distance (emotional, not physical) and the cheating, and the lack of communication and the fact that she didn’t love me like I cared for her…. Fuck, if she was in front of me, begging to have me back…. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. She would have to show more emotion in that briefest moment than in our entire relationship. Look, I know, looking at it rationally, that the girl I fell in love with didn’t actually exist, that I built her up in my mind and tried to forgive her her mistakes – I know there were issues. My snoring, her aversion to kids, the issues in the relationship – I really was fond of her. I was kind of hoping that she was fond of me.

We used to work together. If she walked back into that office, I think I would just run. Leave the office and just not come back until she left. I just don’t think I could handle it. I’m not even at the point where I could pretend that I’m fine. So I suppose that means she wins either way. She still holds that power over my life.

I wish I could go back in time. For all of these relationships. But what the fuck would i do differently? I tried giving space, I tried being there, I tried my least, I tried my best. I still got fucking hurt. Stick that slogan on a goddamn T-shirt.

I could never be with someone who couldn’t express their emotions to me.

Still, I guess that technically makes it 1:3 to my ex’s. I guess that means that they win.